Defining Better
Sometimes life can be overwhelming. Maybe you’ve found yourself drowning in past heartaches and disappointments; maybe you have never felt worthy of experiencing good things in your life; or maybe you’ve been everything for everybody and now you don’t know who you are. Now, you’re going through life and wondering how you got here. How can I make my life better? What does “better” even mean to me?
First, you have to remind yourself of what “better” means—literally. “Better” means improvement or enhancement in quality, condition, or degree compared to something else. It can also be defined as a state or condition that is improved or more favorable compared to a previous state or a benchmark (Cambridge Dictionary).
I developed a desire for better at an early age. Growing up poor and being abused, I just knew there had to be something better in life for me. I became a slave to my past and for years I lived with low self-esteem and no self-love. I can remember a weekend that I had taken my son on a road trip to visit his father. His father and I had been in an “on again, off again” relationship since my sophomore year of high school. Even with the years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, I thought that I was in love with this guy. I even tried moving several states and hundreds of miles away to sever my feelings for him. This particular weekend we argued, and I started to cry. He had a quick temper and I guess my crying set him off because before I knew it, he had punched me in the left side of my face. I can remember crying more and being threatened that I would be punched again if I didn’t stop. The next day, I had to meet up with his family so that I could return home, so I tried covering my swollen, black eye with my hair. When that didn’t work, I made up this elaborate story of a nightclub fight that never happened. One day I was standing in front of the mirror looking at my face with an eye that was now bloodshot with a black ring under it. I remember thinking, “this really can’t be my life.” I grew up in a family with domestic violence, and I knew I wanted better than that. My journey to better began that day.
Because I still wasn’t exactly sure what my better was, the journey started with a few steps that were simple for me.
Focus on mental well-being: I took the time to just stop and be still. This alone time gave me the opportunity to think about the choices I had made in life. I recognized that the choices that I had made were not only affecting my future, but also my son’s future. Every day, I made a conscious effort to make better choices.
Focus on healing: I needed to take some time to heal from the years of abuse that I had endured. I didn’t have a support system that I could turn to, so I turned to my love for music. I don’t love music for the beat. For me it’s more about the words and what the song has to say. I found myself playing the Kirk Franklin and God’s Property album over and over again. I eventually started writing out the lyrics to the songs from the album. I didn’t realize it then, but those songs were my connection to God. I had unconsciously plugged into the source that was healing my brokenness (see Jeremiah 17:14).
Focus on personal growth: During that time, I had been working part-time jobs, but I desired a career that would financially provide for my son and me. I enrolled in a trade school to receive my certificate in business administration. The certificate eventually afforded me opportunities to land secretarial and executive assistant positions at a couple of large non-profit organizations.
My life didn’t miraculously get better overnight. I believed that there was more life than what I was currently experiencing, and I started moving towards it. By taking these steps, I was pursuing a better version of the life that I had. I had to do the self-work to change my situation. Achieving better is an ongoing journey and the journey will look different for each individual. Our goal is to focus on the better that aligns with our desires and finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in that.
Take a few minutes to journal your answers to the following questions:
What is my better?
What do I want to see for myself that I don’t see now?
What is one thing that I can do today to pursue my better?